


Lean Cut

by Phrenotobe



Series: Lawmaker Dues [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Comedy, F/F, Gen, Law Enforcement, Lawyers, Trolls and Humans AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 10:59:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1131848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phrenotobe/pseuds/Phrenotobe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JUST1C3 1S TH3OLOG1C4L.<br/>Also teleological.<br/>Some additional debate may be required.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lean Cut

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inklesspen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inklesspen/gifts).



This story starts with a shadow from the darkness, leaping from a tall building with feline grace and landing with a roll upon the roof of a human-owned warehouse.  
Light on their feet, they scan the roof for entry points, check over the six pieces of weaponry in their possession, and slip into an air vent.  
Sliding down the metal walls, they cut a rectangular hole in the air conditioning system and follow through it, dropping onto a wooden box of dehydrated noodle nodules with a thump, before springing off it to reach the floor.  
Bent to lower their profile, arms flung wide and ready to activate their weapons, they creep closer to the source of the conversation currently taking place, light on the balls of their feet. 

_“And so, unless you have any last requests or declarations, I will now go ahead.”_  
_“Is this going to hurt?”_  
_“A little, yes.”_

“She’s mine,” the troll hisses behind their ornate mask, as they spring into action and jump into the candle-ringed circle. They tilt their wrist _like so_ and a blade shoots out from their wrist-mounted housing, held at an angle about an inch away from the tip of Rose’s nose, “Wanted for six crimes in accord with Alternian constitutional directives. I will remove her from your premises.” 

“Excuse me,” Rose says, “I think we are in the middle of something.”  
The blade folds away with another open-handed gesture, and the troll stands up straight.  
“Can it wait?”  
Rose shakes her head.  
“Sadly no,” she says, “We have a contracted and signed agreement. May I see your identification?”  
The troll unclips the badge at their hip and places it in Rose’s hands. A small, triangular shape with rounded edges, convex and cool to the touch like a polished stone. A 3-D scrolling text bar in alternian blinks out for moments as it touches the human’s fingertips, the ID now awash with different human languages on holographically projected ticker tape.  
“Oh,” Rose says, and notes that her voice sample trims the number of available languages down to six, “Well that’s rather neat, isn’t it.”  
“Yes,” the troll replies, “I am Interrorvestigator Pyrope, and that is my badge.”  
“Pyrope, Terezi,” a tinny, digitized voice pronounces, “Interrorvestigator of the cruellest bar.”  
“Can I go now?” a voice behind them says in a quiet tremor.  
“No,” the troll and human say in unison, before they turn their focus back to each other.  


“Teleology states that an intelligent being makes a decision leading to a single point. Ms. Serket is quite sure that her end is here.”  
“An oversimplification!” the troll barks, “The cruellest bar under the subjugglators states that organization among chaos is divine. Without a ruler to command the law, there is no law. I am the bearer of the law in this room via oath and therefore am the law. The troll is mine to bring into custody.”  
Rose laughs lightly.  
“Many scriptures indicate the vital part of a person includes the soul,” she counters. “If a soul is to be freely traded, it is marked as chattel goods and should be treated as such under the law. This troll has offered her soul to me of her own free will to deal with as I wish. As I own the soul, I own the body, and will harvest the soul as per my own prerogative.”  
She smiles mirthlessly, and presents her knife to be examined.  
Terezi inspects the blade, tests the point, and hands it back.  
“Wait,” the troll being discussed protests, “I’m having second thoughts, okay?”  
“Silence!” Terezi snaps, “Your input is not needed here.”  
Rose clears her throat, sheathing the knife again at her side.  
“Your thoughts, Interrorvestigator.”  
Terezi rubs at her chin under the mask, before releasing the snaps holding it on. Her eyes underneath are covered with a red band, tied neatly at the back.  
“Chattel is under the terms of alternian law deemed to be insensate,” Terezi says, turning and giving Vriska a sharp kick in the shin. She yelps, and Terezi grins.  
“As there is still feeling in this one, she is exempt from inclusion in that group.”  
Rose nudges a candle starting to gutter down with a foot, moving it further into line with the rest of the circle.  
“Well,” she says, “There’s no denying that as a species, Alternian legal practise has a very long history. Is there legal precedent for those who seek a noble death?”  
Terezi lifts her chin.  
“There are lots of them and most are trite.”  
A gust of wind blows past the pair, the candles flickering but not quite burning out.  
“This is weird, can you maybe let me take the ropes off?”  
Rose casts her a sideways glance.  
“It’s for the look of the thing,” she says, begrudgingly dropping a penknife by Vriska’s foot.  
“Whatever,” Vriska says, shuffling it further towards her hands with her sneaker toe.  
Terezi wrinkles her nose as Vriska grates the rope around her wrists against the knife blade enthusiastically.  
“We are off topic,” Terezi says, retrieving her ID from Rose’s hand to fit back upon her belt, “This troll is entirely guilty and I have a duty to bring her in.”  
“I’m sorry,” Rose says, “But as I said, I was in the middle of something.”  
The candles flicker again, extinguishing themselves one by one in an orderly manner around the circle, the roof tiles beginning to rattle like the clatter of a thousand tiny bones.

“And you broke the circle, so I’m afraid that Yibb-Tstll is now free to roam. This interlude was fun, but shall we agree that three heads are better than two?  
“I would like to not die,” Vriska points out, “I thought about it a lot, and it is really not my thing.”  
“Very well,” Terezi says, fitting her mask back over her face. Outside, an unimaginably alien bellow sings out above the rooftops, sending dogs barking in response.  
“Vriska Serket, you are pardoned until further notice.”  
Terezi lifts her hand to her mouth, speaking into a hidden microphone at her wrist.  
“A new felon has been identified. Now in pursuit with two associates.”  
Rose checks her watch.  
"I've not been an associate of the legal system before," she murmurs, “I was under the impression that doughnuts were required?”  
Terezi shakes her head, brushing herself down before running toward the noise into the gloom of the warehouse, vanishing into the night.  
“I could do doughnuts,” Vriska offers, “Save a spare for her if she lives.”  
Rose rolls her eyes skywards.  
“And then do something really stupid?”  
Vriska grins.  
“Then we do something _totally badass_.”


End file.
